A Sad Day

16th Dec was supposed to be an exciting day for my very close uncle and for the person i love most in the world, my grandma. Few days ago were the busiest day of their lives as they worked day and night packing things that need to be shifted. Doing sometimes up to 5 trips to and fro, getting insufficient sleep and trying to get everything done by today. But all this has taken its toll on grandma.

She's 72 this year. Quite a heavy smoker due to addiction from a young age and I guess its the sole reason that why she is weaker than the other elderly people i've seen before. Tried to ask her to stop but she says she cant. Never had any allergies, never went into a hospital before and doesnt fall sick too often. Thats my ahma.

This morning, i woke up at 7.30am even tho I slept pretty late at nite. I just wanted to help in the shifting process, I did too few days before this. Reached her place at 8.10 and she seems well. My uncle has went up to the new house to get some things sorted out. Her sister ,her sister's son and their maid were there too. The reason why we chose to shift so early is to bring the 'ang kong' (a statue resemblance of a god) to the new house.

I was given the task to pack a little more stuffs to the new house, I filled my kelisa and off I go. The maid and I unloaded the luggages in the car and into the new house. Shortly after that I went for breakfast at McD, I took my time and read the papers. A decision I truly regret right now. Later, I went back up to the new house expecting to see everyone there. But no. I asked my uncle where is grandma? Shouldnt she be coming up with her sister and her nephew? My uncle replied that the car was full and needed me to fetch her. I said okay.

I gave her a call after Ive stepped out from the house, it was the last time i heard her speak, without agony and pain in her voice. I told her im coming to pick her up. She said its okay u take your time, there is much things left to pack and im doing it right now. So I went down and drove the car to her place.

When I arrive, I saw omak and ahma in her room, she was lying down sweating from head to toe. All her clothes got wet, her face was filled with sweat. Omak was attending to her, massaging her back. I went in the room immediately and held her hand. It felt so cold. Her body temperature dropped tremendously, every part of her body was very cold even the parts which should stay warm, her forehead and neck. The thoughts of bad things and such came pouring in, I was in a stunned state. Felt tears brewing but I held back. Then I blame myself for all this. I said to myself, if I didn't go and have breakfast and straight went to her house, I could help her pack and asked her to get some rest. But whats done is done.

Lying on the floor, she called my name and said she was in great pain. She needn't do that, I could see it in her face. She is struggling while lying down, twisting and turning, trying to releive d pain. Her breathing got heavier and her body felt even colder then. I stopped the fan, and gave her blankets. I filled a big bottle of water with warm water for her to hug and hope it would bring at least the slightest comfort to her. She sweated nonstop, omak had to wipe her face often. I called mum to tell her about this, she said bring her to a doctor and said that my dad is on the way to grandmas hse.

She can still speak but every word that comes from her mouth tells you about the pain she is going through. She asked me to get the neighbour to prepare some chinese medicine for her. I did as told. The neighbour was a great help, she massaged grandma with some white hong-iu and let her drink the medicine and also made some hot oats for grandma. She just took a few spoons of oats and said she could not eat anymore.

Omak told me she was on the way to the market and dropped by at grandmas place, grandma said she was having a headache and wanted to go for a bath. Omak then proceeded to the market. Later while coming back from the market, she said she felt an urge to visit grandma again so she did. She said she saw her lying down already, unable to move. And a few mins after that, I came.

Grandma was complaining that her back ache really badly, I massaged for her and she stood still for a while. When the pain striked again, she needed to lie down, she was hitting her head with her hands but I stopped her from doing so. She said she never felt like this before, the pain - it feels like dying.

Soon later my dad arrive, we planned to get her to a clinic in batu lanchang. Then I saw something which suprised me again. I never knew grandma cared so much of her appearance, even though she is in great pain she took a comb and combed her hair before leaving the house. She couldnt walk so we had to assist her, me on her left and the neighbour on her right. We drove to the clinic and registered her as a new patient. Clearly I told the nurse to let my grandma seek the doctor first as she is in a bad shape. She just nodded her head but didnt do as told. I was furious for a while but calmed down soon after, she was just doing her work. I sat beside grandma, trying to make her feel better by talking and massaging her back. We waited for a couple of patients and then its her turn.

The doctor did a blood pressure test and also monitored her heart beat for a while. The doctor asked if she consulted any doctor before this. She said that she went to a clinic few days ago, wednesday, and that doctor gave her pills for pain and high blood pressure. The Batu Lanchang doctor said, my grandmas heart rate is very low - only 46 beats per minute. Healthy people like you and me would have an average of 70+ at a resting state. The doctor then concluded that it could be a wrong prescription of medication from the previous doctor or it could be due to her overworking herself for the shifting process. Then he said it's best if we could bring her to a hospital. He wrote a letter and said dont delay. My dad asked if it's life threatening, he just said it could be dangerous. While waiting for my dad to fetch the car, grandma asked me why doesnt he give me any medicine to take? I said tad she needed to go to a hospital for a check up and we did not know wads wrong yet. She said no need to send me there, wait for tomorrow when Im better Ill go there. But we know she just didnt want to go to the hospital.

She is worried, I can tell. Old people never like going to the hospital. Never. 10 mins later, we reached adventist. She was in a wheel chair now, her hands clenching her stomach. The lady in the registration counter asked me if she could walk, I said she couldnt. So she asked me to head to ER. I felt like crying again while pushing her in the wheelchair. She was so fine just two days ago but now.....

The doctor attended to her and we were asked to wait outside. I sat at the waiting area, 1 whole stretch of seats but only me and my uncle were there. I could see that he is really sad too cus to him, today was supposed to be a great day, a new house, a new environment, a new life. Maybe he felt guilty of letting my grandma do so much work, I don't know. The rest, my dad, grandmas sis and her family went for lunch while both of us waited for the doctor. I had no appetite at all so I did not bother about food at all.

Nurses came out from the emergency room and said we could visit her already. We went in and I saw her lying on the bed. She had a change of clothes, a needle at back of her hand,oxygen tubes affixed to her nose but was still in pain. I asked the doctor whats wrong with her. He said, some of her veins to her heart are blocked. The amount is not yet known and she'll have to undergo angioplasty to dilate the clogged veins. He said the death rate is at 0.1% which is quite acceptable for such an operation. The doctor also mentioned about maybe grandma took the wrong medicine, especially for the high blood pressure(cus her pressure wasnt too high at that time). The doctor asked if he could find out what is the name of the medicine. I told my uncle about this and then went to see grandma. She called my name again and said she cant stand the pain. Then she said, please ask the doctor give me some medicine and send me home....please. But she and I know that its not going to happen.

Then it was money time. The bill charged for 10 mins of the doctors time was RM900+ the procedure(angiogram) costs ard RM2500 while stents for angioplasty is about RM10000 each. Total charges would range 38k - 50k depending on how many stents my grandma needs. If I were to come from a not so well off family, things would not be so much different. I mean why does the hospital need you to pay up first even before treating the patient? Lets say if I'm a 60yr old man, diagnosed with the same disease but with not enough money. Then I'm a sure goner, no? Money is everything these days. Dont tell me money doesnt buy health, cus it does.

She was allocated in to the only telometry room available, in a private room. But she did not enjoy a single thing in it. The nurses were fkin lazy, couldnt even get a glass of warm water for her. I had to do all the things myself. Her pain comes in waves, every few minutes she will shiver in pain and open her eyes widely while twisting and turning in the bed. It hurts me so very much seeing her in this condition. I wished, I wished if I could switch bodies. I would endure the pain for her so she need not go through it. If only i could....

A nurse came in and checked her heart rate and blood pressure, her heart rate increased by a little, 49. I told my brother about this. He told me to tell her not to be afraid of the operation, and tell her positive things. Then he said wanted to talk to grandma. But grandma was being treated by a nurse and we werent allowed to be in the room.

5 minutes later, she had another change of clothes, from the previous red robe to a white one. I went up to her and said my brother wants to talk to her. She said she couldnt sit up(she was just lying down). I said its ok, ill turn on the loudspeaker and you can talk to him even while lying down. I called my brother and told him that he could talk to ahma already. She extended her arm but she couldnt even hold the phone, so I just put it right beside her. Suddenly my feelings took over me, I went to the toilet and cried. I couldnt stand it anymore. Grandma fell asleep as my brother was talking to her my mum told me(she came while I was still in the toilet). I think she blacked out for a while. Then a nurse came in with lots of round sticker thingy which they placed on her chest along with a device which sends information about grandmas heart to the counter where the nurses are.

A chinese nurse came in and asked my grandma a few questions. She asked if my grandma knows who she is. Grandma answered correctly, a nurse. Then the nurse asked if she knows wheter its morning or night. Grandma answered afternoon, which is also correct. Then she pointed to my mum and asked do u know who she is? Grandma said she is my sister. The nurse asked again, and grandma got it right the second time round. The nurse left us alone for a while. We tried to talk to her but she couldnt speak much anymore. Her pain seems to get worse by the minute. We called for the doctor but they just send a male nurse to gave grandma some pain killer(in an injection form). I cried a little more in the room. Everyone asked if I've had lunch, I just said Im fine.

Grandma almost vommited a few times but failed to do so. We asked for some food for her as she did not take anything other than the 2 spoonful of oats she had this morning. The farkin nurse just gave us a piece of bread and tea. Grandma didnt like tea and couldnt consume the bread, it was too dry and hard for her to chew and swallow. I went out to get some air and clear my mind for a bit. I felt a little better after that. While walking back to the ward, I met my mum. She was going to buy some porridge for grandma. I said okay.

In the ward, grandma looks like she is sleeping. My uncle was there too.Then my mum called and said she did nt manage to find any stall selling porridge near adventist. She asked me to go check in the cafeteria. I did but there wasnt any too. So I went up to the ward and waited. Finally mum said she got it and is on her way back to the hospital.

An indian nurse came in and told me and uncle that the doctor is ready for grandmas angiogram(to see how many veins are blocked). I told her that she hasnt eaten anything yet, and if she can give us 10 minutes to feed her. I told her the food is coming already. She is a little reluctant at first, saying that the doctors are ready and dont usually wait. I asked her please. She made a call and managed to spare 10 minutes for us. I called my mum and told her to hurry up, grandma is ready to undergo the operation already. My mum said okay and after a few minutes, she appeared by my side. Then she asked me whats wrong and I told her again. Then she said she heard the wrong thing, she heard "grandma is ready to GO already and that gave her a shock."

I held grandmas hand tightly, never ready to let go. She suffered a few seconds of intense pain waking up and saying there is so much blood! I lost so much blood. Im sure she is thinking of the operation and is afraid of it. Suddenly she turned, then opened her eyes and looked at me. Her eyes were wide opened staring blankly at me. I could see emptiness in her eyes. I knew it wasnt good. Then ahma asked me, who are you?

Sighs my heart received a very hard blow knowing that she has come to this point. I couldnt help to let a tear roll down my cheek. Whats worse is she couldnt even recognize my uncle(who stays with her) nor my mum. Then she just nodded her head and closed her eyes after I introduced the 3 of us. Then I asked mum wheres the porridge? She said she didnt have it, it was with dad cus she was in a hurry to get here.

The nurse came and check if we were ready, I told her my dad is taking the food and is in the elevator right now. She said oh okay, you all let her eat first. What a good nurse. Mum fed grandma a spoonful of porridge and we can see that grandma didnt took it so well. She just ate half of a spoon and said she couldnt take anymore. She lied down after that. I went and call the nurse. She came into the room and asked if my grandma wants to urinate. Grandma said yes. We told the nurse to bring a potty but grandma said she want to use the toilet. But she knew she was weak and ended up using the potty.

The nurse then pushed in a wheelchair and put her on it. The sight of my grandma in a wheelchair is never a sight I envisioned and its so heart breaking seeing her suffering on a wheelchair. They pushed her out and thats where I bid goodbye to her. The operation would take around 45 minutes - a few hours. I squatted and stroked her hair and told her "ah ma mai kia ha. machai lu the ho liao" (grandma do not be afraid, everything is going to be okay tomorrow) I told her to be strong and to take good care of herself.

I held my tears back as I turned and walk away from her. I went back to her old house and got my car, fetched shing and went back home. I called mum to ask how is ahma doing, she said the doctors found out that the medicine given by the previous doctor to grandma which is supposed to help her high blood pressure is actually causing damage to her kidneys. If the doctor was right infront of me then I swear I wouldve bashed him up nicely. How can someone do this? For the sake of money of course. sighs.

As I lay down on my bed, memories of today flooded me and yes once again I cried. This time very badly. It was like the saying "cry like cow". I slept soon after.

I woke up at night and had my dinner. Mum explained to me further. She said undergoing angioplasty would cause damage to the kidney. But since grandma is already having problems with her kidney(thx to the fucking doctors medicine) they would have to solve that first. The doctors gave grandma some medication to help flush out the residues. And if her kidney gets better, she would undergo angioplasty tomorrow, if its not, she will have to undergo dialysis. She also vommitted alot even though she did not have any lunch. And according to my uncle, her face looks better. I really hope she gets better tomorrow and will be able to leave by thursday. I really do.

And tonight, my grandma will probably spend her night in ICU, suffering. Me on the other hand, Im at home with my family, with my own bed and no needles in my hand nor tubes attached to my nose. How can I put myself to sleep knowing this?


Ahma, please get well soon. I will pray for you.